Fun with Puns

I started a comedy workbook a few years ago and thought I’d lost my homework when my PC crashed, but I just came across a few of the exercises (because I only did a few) that I printed out. Yippee!

This one was called, “Fun with Puns,” and came from Gene Perret’s Comedy Workbook. I’m going to give you a few of them because it’s better than some of the stuff I write late at night, but there are some groaners in there – I like to put the bad ones in to make the good ones look better.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on ice too long? Polaroids.

What happened to the survivors when a red ship collided with a blue ship? They were marooned.

If you are American when you go into a toilet and you are American when you come out of the toilet, what are you while you’re in the toilet? European, of course.

Wait a minute – this is me talking and I’m not sure I wrote these. They’re actually pretty good, which makes me think I just copied them from the book. However, I’m not going to look because that would mean I’d have to get up AND maybe have to start from scratch. It’s late and I’m tired, so I’m going to forge ahead, no offense to Mr. Perret. If these are mine, you’re a darned good teacher, or I’m so exhausted everything seems funny. I did go skiing yesterday after all, and every muscle in my body aches, including a new one on the back of my knees I didn’t know was there.

The human cannonball decided to quit the circus. The owner was furious. “You can’t quit!” he raged. “Where will I find another man of your caliber?”

Old college deans never die, they just lose their faculties.

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

Old policemen never die, they cop out.

Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.

Me again. I really don’t think these are mine. Tanners? Where would I come up with that? But I do vaguely recall writing some funny stuff, so it’s possible. I once took a photograph of a snowboarder flying through the air – beautiful shot – and a newspaper wanted it. People on the snowboard team were always forwarding pictures to me to put up on the team’s website, so I was surrounded with photos all the time. I asked everyone if they took that picture, and finally the snowboarder in the picture told me it was me. That was my first published photograph! So maybe these are mine…

Here’s a couple more:

I tried to get my bicycle to stand up, but it was too tired.

When a clock is hungry, can it go back four seconds?

Did you hear about the raisin who cheated on his wife? It was in the newspaper under the current affairs section.

What’s a drunk baseball player? A pitcher full of beer.

I wanted to learn how to make frozen desserts, so I went to Sunday School.

Okay, I’m giving away my best material, or I’m plagiarizing and risking getting sued. But boy this was sure fun. Maybe we’ll do it again tomorrow. I’ve got lots of material here.