Growing Old with Barbie

I was tutoring at the high school a few weeks ago and the kids were asking me to review their essays. One of the topics they could write about was “politically correct Barbie.”

The kids were saying things like: “I think Barbie is unnatural in today’s world. Nobody looks like that anymore.”

Back in the day we all looked like Barbie. All the girls had giant pointed objects on their chests, mostly made of foam rubber or wads of toilet paper, but we all had the look. We were all skinny, too – I don’t know why. I ate like a horse, but if I turned sideways in homeroom, the teacher marked me absent. I guess I ate vast quantities of was mostly vegetables.

Today’s politically correct Barbie would have big, saggy, rounded things on her chest with cleavage going midway to her waist. She’d have long flat hair and wear clothes that didn’t match. She’d wear flip-flops even in the snow, and a tank top layered over another tank top. And she’d have rolls of spare flesh bulging over her low-slung jeans like muffin tops. She’d also have a skin-tight shirt that showed the outline of her bra plus the bra straps and maybe the top of the bra itself.

Or, if Barbie grew old, she’d have a V-shaped bottom with panty lines under polyester pants that did a lousy job of covering her cottage cheese thighs.

If you haven’t guessed, I am in a foul temper. I find that somehow I went from a bubbly 19 year old to a woman of a certain age, and I’m mad as hell about it. This was NOT supposed to happen to me. I told myself in my teens and twenties that I would refuse to grow old. I would be Peter Pan. “The only reason people age,” I said to myself, “is because they quit exercising and give up the fight, and that’s not going to happen to me.”

Now that I just typed that last paragraph, I feel like I deserve a good tongue-lashing. Please indulge me. This is me talking to me.

“Listen, bee-och, all you need to do is lose that 10 extra pounds and you’ll feel like a girl again.”

“You’ve said that before.”

“And it’s always been true. You have to promise to lose the weight and get the spring back in your step.”

“But I’m too tired.”

“Shut up that incessant whining. Just DO it!”

Okay, to shut this inner voice up, here is my pledge. I will drop 2.5 pounds a week for the next 4 weeks, starting today. Then my clothes will fit and I’ll regain my energy and I’ll start looking like the old Barbie, except I’ll still have to use toilet paper.

I’ll let you know how it’s going, and I apologize for the crabby blog. Even us humorists need to take a vacation on occasion. Oh, and I got a fortune cookie today that said, “You are a bee-och.” Just kidding, I just love the way that sounds. It really said, “You are covered in cottage cheese and will meet a nice pineapple.” Just kidding again. It really said, “You have a keen sense of humor and like to have a good time.” That is so true, except today. Today I’m an old hag carrying saddlebags full of globular fat around my waist who can barely get off this chair to drag myself to bed. But tomorrow, as I start inching my way back toward Barbie, I will be in a much better humor. I can’t wait!