Testicular Terror (or Tumor Humor)

I was at a loss for words, so I decided to get inspiration from today’s headlines. After looking as some pretty miserable accounts of murders, floods, famines, and so forth I stumbled across a CNN video entitled “Testicular Tumor with a spooky face.” Jackpot!

I waited for five hours while the video loaded to give Intel time to run their commercial. I love the internet but I’m getting sick of the commercials. You know how on TV they make you wait to get to see your show? It starts, then the commercial then about 2 minutes of show, then 3 minutes of commercials – mostly drugs for men who no longer have the ability to get it up or just drugs in general – then three more minutes of show and 4 minutes of drugs, etc.

The internet is getting to be that way, too, and I loathe it. I attempt to go to a website, and when it doesn’t pop up right away I know it’s because some stupid commercial or flashy thing on the page that took forever to load and is most likely going to drive me insane while I’m looking around the site. It’s not worth it – I will move on to a new site like a Japanese obstacle course contestant hopping from one slippery rock to another so he doesn’t fall into a vat of brown slime.

Which is what these internet commercials feel like – some unpleasant disappointment behind Door Number 2. You know you’re picked the wrong site when that white screen stares at you like an albino owl in a spotlight.

But I have wandered off track and should mosey back to civilization and talk about that testicular tumor. In my frustration with the CNN website taking so long to load – I could have showered, blow dried my hair and given myself a pedicure before the circular thingy quit spinning. Finally I got to see the face in the tumor and it was as touted – spooky. It was somewhere in what I assume was a man’s testicle – on the inside because they were looking at it using an ultrasound. The mouth of the face was gaping open and it had one big round sad eye with the white showing all around. Don’t know what that white was, but being that it was a testicle I can only imagine.

I got to see this face in fits and starts since the video loaded for 2 minutes and then showed 8 seconds of video. There was a woman newsperson who was narrating the story, and she’d say 2 or 3 words, like “left testicle” and “testicle positioned” and “into the testicle” before the thing would start loading again.

So I went to YouTube thinking CNN was too freaking slow, and I couldn’t fine the video – even though the woman said it went viral. But when I typed in testicular searching for it, there came up a whole slew of vey graphic images showing live human testicles with the titles being “Testicular self-exam.” The picture for that one showed a guy holding up and pressing his penis against his abdomen so that you could see his hairy scrotum whether you wanted to or not. Which I can assure you I did not.

Fortunately, I have finished this and no longer have to talk about testicles, which is not really my favorite topic of sparkling conversation. Here’s the link in case you simply must see this tumor for yourself. http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2011/11/03/pkg-moos-testicular-tumor-face.cnn Settle in with a cup of coffee and a newspaper or something to keep you busy while you wait for the commercials to play out. It’s worth it I suppose.