Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Don't Wanna See No Naked Man

Men do not look good naked – at least not to women. We don’t mind a nice looking guy in a pair of shorts – except if they are short-shorts, which look almost as bad as a naked man. A guy in a speedo is the worst. This may be an acquired taste for some women, but the rest of us would rather look at a pile of vomit full of maggots than a man in a speedo.

Unlike a woman, who will incite a veritable stampede of men if she simply takes off her shirt, a man must have other qualities besides a nice body in order to attract a women. He is forced to demonstrate his manly prowess by opening stubborn jar lids.

In the animal kingdom, males have to work very, very hard to attract a mate. They’ve got to butt antlers with other males with the force of a sledge hammer wielded by Arnold Swarzennager, or make their feathers stand up like they’ve stuck their beak into an electrical outlet.

The human male species, most of which lack either feathers or antlers, have to resort to other rituals. They will offer to carry things for you to show how strong they are. They will buy you dinner to show that they have money. They’ll try to show up in a cool car or put some smell-um in their hair.

You wanna know what’s really funny, though? I use Word for Mac to write, and then copy and paste it over into the blog, and Word is constantly underlining words because I am not the most accurate typist in the world. Hence as I write a blog it looks like some nasty English teacher has just graded it. You know, the spinster kind of English teacher with a bun pulled so tight in the back it’s making her eyes look Oriental except you can barely see them because she’s wearing those little half glasses that she peers over them in a condescending way, her mouth pulled into a tight line surrounded by wrinkles like rays from a pale, flat sun?

At this very moment, this blog is full of those red lines. I will run spell check and it will find most of them, but there will still be some stubborn words remaining that I’ll have to Google in order to look them up on an online dictionary or – better still – change them to something else that I know I can spell.

Amongst the typos and the perfectly normal words that look like they are spelled correctly but Word, the bitch, underlines them anyway because she’s a spinster and hasn’t been mated for a long, long time, Word let me get away with the word smell-um. It just did it again. Is smell-um seriously a real word? Some programmer put that into the list of acceptable words that Word would not slash with red just to show you how utterly stupid and incompetent you are? Really?

I’m going to have to take this matter to Google and see if smell-um is, in fact, a bona fide word in the English language because frankly I don’t mind telling you that I would be shocked – SHOCKED – if it in fact is a real word. Be right back.

OMG, the Urban Dictionary says it IS a real word, although they don’t hyphenate it. Here’s what they said:

Smell-um (smael-um) -a fragrance, often used in personal care products that are applied to one's person.

1. Ulysses Everett McGill from O Brother, Where Art Though: “I like the smell of my hair treatment; ... as soon as we get ourselves cleaned up and we get a little smellum - Dapper Dan Hair Tonic - in our hair...”

2. Calvin Klein's Obsession is a nice little smellum.

Well, I have learned something tonight – that Word likes smell-um but not smellum. Go figure. Speaking of figures, I like a man in some low-slung jeans and barefoot without a shirt if he doesn’t sling them too low like those stupid Abercrombie and Fitch guys. I do NOT want to see the top of a man’s hairless pubic area because someone must have waxed the hair away - those pants are so low - which seems sissy. I look away when I walk past the store in the mall. It’s the antithesis of attracting a mate, in my mind. Worse than a naked man, and it’s hard to get much worse than that.

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