My Great Deal

Boy did I get a deal yesterday! I don’t go shopping much because it means getting almost naked in front of a mirror that you can see your front and back sides practically at the same time. I live in denial that age and chocolate have taken their toll on me. But department store mirrors tell it like it is, and it’s a wonder I’m not still wearing hip hugger bell bottoms and a top made of shoelaces and a bandana. What do you mean they don’t make bandanas that big??????

I couldn’t wear something like that around here because, in spite of having a couple of days reprieve from the wettest June in Oregon’s history, and that’s saying a lot since this is Oregon and we are known for the size of the slugs we cultivate around here because they thrive in the wetness of this state. Slugs are snails without shells. I know I’ve told you this before, but I have NEW SITE MEMBERS (welcome to all of you, btw), and THEY may live next to the Dead Sea which probably doesn’t provide the perfect climate for slugs. Which is, btw, our state bird, reptile, mammal, fish, and flower. Or they might as well be, because they are EVERYWHERE.

I’m getting very good at typing BIG WORDS without even using the shift lock key on my keyboard. It’s because I PRACTICE. A LOT.

But you probably didn’t come here to learn about slugs or my typing skills. You are dying to know about me standing semi-naked yesterday, and I don’t blame you. I would describe to you what I saw but I tried not to look. I made my fingers into one of those things like Spock does on Star Trek. He puts those two fingers together and the other two – you know the ones. The little finger and the ring finger are together, and then the other two are together. The thumb stays out of it. Then you try to open and close them. It’s not easy at first, but you get the hang of it quick and then you’re looking at your hands opening and closing and start thinking about eating lobster.

Anyway, I used Spock’s hand trick to hold in front of my eyes so I only saw the clothes. And I never looked in between outfits. Personally I like to keep a little mystery in my relationship with myself. It’s better to leave something to the imagination, and mine is working overtime trying to get Barbie to appear in place of that – that THING in the mirror.

But again, you didn’t come here to listen to one of the many tricks I use to make myself more lovable to me. You want to know about the great deal I got yesterday, so here it is.

Yesterday I got a great deal. I play golf in a 9-hole group and I am the official photographer for us ladies, which means they run when they see me coming because they are so sick of me taking their pictures constantly and putting them on the bulletin board. Truth be told, I Photoshop their wrinkles and warts and buggers away so they should be happy, but they’re not. Therefore I feel it is my duty as representative of the creative arts to try and not look like a ragamuffin. Especially yesterday when our group had invited ladies from several other groups. I did not want to be standing up at the luncheon with my tacky old clothes trying to make people who despise the very sight of me smile. I needed a new golf skirt.

I went to the shop nearest my house, and also the most expensive, and found a skirt for $84! If I knew how to make that $84 into capital letters I would. That’s a lot to pay for a skirt or anything else. I didn’t pay that much for my first VW back in the day. But it was so cute – the skirt! I wanted it so bad, but I hung it back on it’s hanger, tucked my tail, and got my white trash ass out of there before that skirt forced me to hand over my credit card. I found a not-nearly-as-cute-but-way-cheaper skirt at another store and snagged. I got many compliments on it, mainly because people were saving up since nothing else I have is compliment-worthy.

Someone mentioned a sale at a sample store with racks of golf clothes 50% off. Whoo-wee! It just happened to be on my way home. I rushed out of there and elbowed several elderly ladies out of my way on the sidewalk and found that same exact skirt for $13 (BIG CAPITAL LETTERS)!!!!! And it was the only one left, and it was MY SIZE!!!

I didn’t buy it, though. I already had that other new skirt. How many new things does a girl need?

HA – of course I bought it! That’s my great deal, and I hope you can sleep after reading how exciting it all was. I just hope it stops raining long enough that I can wear it.