Fear of Being Afraid

It took a lot of guts for me to get up on stage last night. I am the bravest coward I know. Once in high school a friend wrote a report and described a person who was afraid of everything. Someone else in the class recognized that she was talking about me. I wasn’t afraid to bitch slap the friend who gave the report, I’ll tell you that.

But seriously, do I use the words “bitch slap” too often? I actually look for places I can insert those words. Like above – I did not bitch slap my friend. I just never spoke to her again. Same thing, but doesn’t sound as funny as bitch slap, in my mind.

So I am afraid of everything. I’m especially afraid I’ve blogged about this topic before, because every time I do something I can’t believe I had enough nerve to do, I want to tell everyone about it. Maybe I want to prove that even though I’m timid and shy and a scaredy-cat, I’m also one brave mother and you better not mess with me.

I wonder if all brave people are cowards inside? If they all feel like they have to prove something to themselves or to others? While I was waiting to go onstage last night all I wanted to do was run. I was terrified. I read that many actors and comics are terrified every time they go onstage – even after years of experience. This was no consolation to me as I was swabbing sweat off my face and hearing the tinkle of the ice cubes every time I held my glass of diet soda.

A lot of people find bravery in alcohol. Not me. If I have to be “on” - like when I’m in an airplane waiting for it to nosedive, I want all my facilities intact so I can push people out of the way and get to the exit. Ha! - as if that would do me any good. Last night I knew I was going to have enough trouble remembering my comedy set once I got onstage, I did NOT want my brain any softer around the edges.

I have done some things my friends can’t believe. Like climbing to the top of Mt. Hood, which was dangerous as all get out, relatively speaking, but maybe they can’t believe that because of the shape I’m in. I like to ski really fast (if, and only if, the slope is perfectly groomed and not too steep). People think that’s dangerous, but it’s more dangerous having a snowboarder hit you from behind. I’m just doing the easier of two fears.

I have been in scary situations that people think I’m making up, but usually it’s because I have no other choice and not from any bravery on my part. Even when I’m doing something brave, my hands are shaking, my voice is shaking - if it shows up at all, and I’ve got “Sissy Girl” written all over me in my body language – fidgeting, crossed arms, shaking leg, slouching – I’ve got ‘em all. When I don’t, it’s because I remembered reading that these were signs of fear and I try to counteract them. Here’s a site that has some signs of fear if you are nodding your head right now and thinking, “hmmm, I do that stuff all the time…” www.ehow.com/how_2383301_read-fear-body-language.html

My biggest fear, however, is that fear itself will cause me to not do something. Like going onstage. I sat there trying to reason with myself that it was stupid to do it, etc. etc. etc. but in the end I knew I had nothing to lose except pride, reputation, a few years of my life from a heart attack, and my mind. Down at the heart of it, though, fear alone was the only reason for me not to go onstage.

I battle that day and night – whether people will like me at a party (they seem to, but I’m ALWAYS afraid they won’t), whether people will read this blog (I have a bunch of site members, but there’s a constant fear that I may lose my sense of humor like it’s going to fall out of a hole in my pocket), whether I will trip going onstage, say something stupid, hurt someone’s feelings, forget an appointment, do something embarrassing – you name it, I’m afraid of it.

But I keep saying to myself, “Just keep on doing it. Just show up. Just try. Just do damage control if you have to.” And sometimes I say, “Just shut the F up,” when my fears are on the verge of derailing me from doing what I want to do.

Right now, for instance, I’m afraid it’s not okay for me to reveal my fears in public. But you know what I’ve got to say to that? Screw it. I’ve got a fricking blog to write and I’ve got to post something and this is already written, for crying out loud. I’m doin’ it!