The Photographer's Plight

I get asked to take pictures at events and of groups because people know I have a decent camera and have sold some photo art. I always say yes, but it is not a particularly fun job, and I know you. You’re dying to know why.

So I’ll tell you. Even though people want pictures to remember events, they don’t want their picture taken. When you hold a camera up to your face and start to take someone’s picture, half of them try to duck behind someone else like a child hiding behind its’ mother’s skirt. The elderly, obese, and even crippled will take off running like they’re on the starting line for the 50-yard dash when they see me raise my camera. They will risk broken hips and worse rather than allowing me to take a picture of them.

On the other hand, there are people who have obviously had their pictures taken often who know how to strike a perfect pose. They know which side of their face photographs well, where to put their hands, how to angle their feet, and whether looking slightly down will make their eyes look bigger. These people can sense a camera from across the room and be laughing naturally in every candid shot. The camera “loves” these people. That’s because they don’t treat the cameraperson like s/he’s got the plague.

I try to get everyone in at least one picture, which is hard when they only show me their backsides, or they’re hiding behind bushes. So I have to take “candid” shots. These are a CURSE. The general public is UGLY in a candid shot. The general public is stuffing an entire sausage link in their mouth just as the camera clicks the shot. They are also holding up their arm in such a way that the cottage cheesy divots are accentuated. They are “candidly” looking spiteful at the person beside them, like they intend to stab them after the luncheon. Some of them are even scratching that itch that can’t be scratched in public.

When they catch you taking a candid shot, some people scowl at you. Perhaps they don’t take good pictures and they feel they can compensate by contorting their features, as if saying, “I always turn out ugly in a picture, but if I look like I’m being ugly on purpose, no one will notice that I really am ugly.” Although this makes some kind of sense, it does not help the job of the poor photographer who simply wants to impress people with her talent for making even the hideous among us attractive. We can do this in many cases, thanks to the magic of Photoshop.

Photoshop is the photographer’s best friend. It allows us to turn everyday images into art. For instance, if you hire an artist to paint your portrait, and he includes your double chins, pimples, the wart on your jawbone that has a six-inch wiry hair growing out of it, the gunk in the corner of your eye, and so forth, you’d likely smash the canvas over his head before you smacked him with a dining room chair. He is going to downplay your imperfections if he wants to come out of there alive and with a check in his hand.

A skilled photographer can also “paint” people in a more positive light. For the rest of us, we use Photoshop to make our subjects look their best. I had one guy tell me that the headshot I took of him was the first time he had a decent picture of him in his whole life. Little did he know that I spent about two hours taking him from a Frankenstein into a less-than-a-Frankenstein. It’s amazing how the illusion of having a full set of teeth can improve someone’s looks. Not that he was toothless, but many individual teeth were so tobacco-stained they blended right into his skin, giving people the impression that he came from Mississippi. There were other things that I won’t go into, such as dents and pocks that, once smoothed and blended, made his squinty eyes more becoming.

So here’s what you, the general public, need to do when approached by someone like myself who is simply trying to capture you in the best light. PRACTICE IN FRONT OF A MIRROR. RIGHT NOW. No, not later. NOW! And when I come at you with my camera, you can say, “Oh, Suzanne, I’m so HAPPY to see you are here taking my picture.” And hurry up and swallow that sausage.